warning: it's a long one...

I’m at a frustration point. I’m probably the happiest and the angriest that I’ve ever been. I feel fired and fueled up to make changes. At the same time I fear I’m just full of useless “micropunk/nanopunk” sort of rage. I’m on the verge of another birthday, I still haven’t decided what I’m doing with graduate school, and I’m struggling with figuring out who I am in relation to school, work, and my relationships.

I used to be the bend over backwards girl. I used to care what everyone thought. I used to really be there for my friends, putting everything out, putting it all the line, and giving it my all… all the time. And then left me feeling not only burned out because it left little for me, but it also left me angry when it was all just taken for granted or literally taken as just a lie. My gifts, my time, all just a lie, another elaborate scheme – me, a tool. So, I limited the social group and started looking for the people who I felt were truly genuine. And though those I cut away from myself are probably genuine to other people, are probably good people, are probably worthy of my attention – I still can’t bring myself back fully in to the fold. I just feel myself get angry when they reach out.

I find this internal argument hard to analyze or deal with. I feel guilt and relief to not have these people in my life even though I bump in to them on a daily basis. I feel relief in the fact that I don’t have to acknowledge them with a “hello” and they don’t have to fake their friendships with me. And that’s how I feel – I feel used to the point that it feels like that past was all a sham.

Anger in the fact that things have changed, that what was once, is no longer, that everything can be redefined in hindsight.

Happiness in the way that the world feels magical new, reinvented, fresh, that everything is here to be loved and discovered.